Congratulations, visionary leader! You’ve been selected as a finalist for the prestigious 2025 Global Excellence in Synergistic Business Innovation Award (sponsored by a company you’ve never heard of, headquartered in a PO box in Delaware).
Before you pop the champagne, let’s read the fine print together, shall we?
The Love Letter You Didn’t Ask For
It starts innocently enough. An email with seventeen gold emojis and a subject line that screams “YOU ARE AMAZING.”
Inside: a poorly Photoshopped certificate declaring you a “Top 50 Most Whatever Under Whatever.”
There are 47 recipients in the “To:” field. Subtle.
The Gala: Where Dignity Goes to Die
You’re invited to the black-tie gala. Only $299 per seat.
Spouse wants to come and witness your greatness? Another $299.
Want to bring your assistant so someone can clap when they mispronounce your name? You monster, that’s $299 more.
Vegetarian option available for the low price of mild disappointment.
The Bling You’ll Treasure Forever (In a Drawer)
Oh, you want the actual trophy? The one in the photo that looks suspiciously like the bowling league trophy from 1987 with a new sticker on it?
- Crystal plaque with your name spelled wrong: $199
- Larger crystal plaque with your name spelled even wrong-er: $399
- “Engraving correction fee” after you point out the mistake: $89
Shipping not included. They ship it FedEx Ground from a warehouse that smells like broken dreams and glitter.
Marketing Opportunities (Because You’re Basically Famous Now)
- Be listed in our luxurious coffee-table magazine that goes directly into doctor’s offices nationwide: $495
- Full-page ad in said magazine congratulating yourself: $2,999
- Half-page ad where your face is slightly cut off: $1,799
- Mention in the press release nobody reads: $799
- Television spot on cable access channel 947 at 3:14 a.m. between infomercials for potato peelers: only $9,999 (production costs, darling)
The Winners Circle: A Coincidence, I’m Sure
Funny thing—every year the “most awarded” companies seem to be the same ones who bought the Platinum Sponsorship Package.
Almost like the judges (a panel of sales reps on commission) have a keen eye for… revenue potential.
The DIY Solution (Highly Recommended)
Save yourself $15,000 and do this instead:
- Go to Etsy. Order a custom trophy that says “I Didn’t Fall For That Pay-to-Play Award Scam 2025.”
- Cost: $38.
- Take a photo holding it in your office bathroom for authenticity.
- Post on LinkedIn with the caption “Grateful to be recognized for surviving another year without buying fake validation.”
- Watch actual clients respect you more for the savage honesty.
The Golden Rule of Awards
If you have to pay to receive it, it’s not an award.
It’s a hostage situation wearing a tuxedo.
- Real awards don’t come with an invoice.
- Real recognition doesn’t require a down payment.
- Real prestige doesn’t have a “tiered sponsorship package.”
So next time you get that glorious email, do what I do:
Reply-all with “Thank you! Please send my trophy to my competitor—they need the validation more than I do.”
Then make your own damn plaque.
Yours in un-bought glory,
A Business Owner Who Still Has Standards (And $15,000)
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Let’s keep building,