(Featuring Grandma Gertie, Soccer Mom Sally, and a Few Other Legends of the Marketing World)
Disclamer: I don’t know these people and information is shared only for educational purposes
Ah yes — the age-old question:
“Where should I advertise my business?”
And the age-old answer?
“I have no clue.”
Not because I don’t want to help you — but because it entirely depends on who you’re trying to talk to. Advertising is like dating: what works for one person gets you ghosted by another.
Let’s meet a few of your potential “soulmates.”
Grandma Gertie — The Offline Original
Grandma Gertie doesn’t have Wi-Fi. She thinks “the cloud” is where angels live. She still orders Christmas decorations from a mail-order catalog printed in 1987 and pays her handyman in cash and cookies. She’s an absolute sweetheart, but tech? Not her thing.
If you’re advertising on Facebook hoping to reach her… well, you might as well hang a flyer on a telephone pole. Want Gertie’s business? Try radio ads, the local paper, or a postcard. She loves postcards. Bonus points if there’s glitter.
Soccer Mom Sally — The Instagram Queen
Sally hasn’t blinked since 2019 — her eyes are permanently locked on Instagram Reels. She’s constantly posting selfies, dog videos, and “that one amazing recipe” she swears she’ll try someday. She’s influenced by influencers who are influenced by other influencers. She is the definition of “highly engaged.”
Sally will buy anything trending — makeup, skinny jeans, dog sweaters, skincare with words she can’t pronounce. If it’s viral on Instagram, it’s already in her shopping cart. Want her attention? You need visuals. Pretty ones. Colorful, fast, relatable, and preferably showing someone living their best latte-fueled life.
Fifty-Plus Phil — The Twitter Philosopher
Phil knows the truth about everything. He’s seen the documents. He’s watched the videos. He can quote the Constitution and the comment section. He’s usually scrolling Twitter (or X, depending on how current he’s feeling) while ordering bike parts, protein powder, and “vitamins for blood flow.” He loves gadgets — especially the ones that promise “no instructions required.”
To reach Phil, keep it simple, smart, and slightly techy. He’s not reading your blog post; he’s skimming your headline. Hook him fast or lose him to the next conspiracy thread.
TikTok Tessa — The 12-Year-Old Fashion Icon
Tessa has more followers than your entire extended family combined. She’s experimenting with hair products that double as sandwich condiments and insists her sweatpants must cost at least $60 to be cool. She doesn’t shop at Walmart. She shops wherever her favorite singer told her to — preferably for something bedazzled.
If you’re targeting Gen Z? Think TikTok, Snapchat, or YouTube Shorts. Keep it fast, funny, and fabulous. Bonus points for sparkles and background music with questionable lyrics.
Crafty Carol — The Marketplace Maven
Carol’s domain is Facebook Marketplace. She can spot a $5 thrift find, transform it with chalk paint, and flip it for $45 before you’ve even found the “free stuff” section. Her feed is full of handmade soaps, sea glass jewelry, and motivational wall art that says things like “Bless This Mess” or “Live, Laugh, Mod Podge.”
If you’re selling handmade or local, Carol is your girl — but you’d better meet her where she lives: Facebook, Etsy, or your local craft fair.
And Then There’s Gullible Gary
Gary believes everything he reads online and every one knocking on his door. If you send him a half-decent email with bold text and an exclamation mark, he’s in. A text follow-up? Even better. “It must be important — they texted me!” If your product fits the “too good to be true but still kinda believable” niche, email marketing is your playground. To Reach Gary you could always just show up at the door and vaccum your ways to success.
The Real Moral of the Story
There’s no single magic platform. There’s just your audience. Where they scroll, what they care about, and how they prefer to connect.
If you’re advertising to Grandma Gertie, don’t waste your budget on TikTok. If you’re selling to Soccer Mom Sally, don’t buy a radio spot. And if you’re trying to reach Fifty-Plus Phil, you’d better have a clear message — and maybe a Bluetooth gadget that makes him feel like James Bond.
Advertising is about talking where your people listen.
So before you spend a dime, ask: Who am I talking to, and where do they hang out?
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